Moving Past a Bad Day

Classes Attended: 4 Regular

I had one of those bad training sessions this past Tuesday, the kind that leave me feeling like I'm actually going backwards in this journey. I hate those days and in the past those usually preceded me taking a break from BJJ; a really long and unnecessary break. I even thought about it again this time, though this time it was more or less me wondering if I shouldn't just quit. There was this feeling that maybe I'm not just wasting my time, but my training partner's time and my coach's time as well, and that's the thought that sucked the most. I don't have a huge basis of comparison, but I think at my gym we have some of the best coaches around and I've never once felt like they were just in it for themselves; that they really cared about the progress of those training under them. So in my mind, if I'm not progressing, even slowly, then I'm wasting time they could be spending with students that really will improve.
But I didn't take a break. Those shitty days happen and if I'm going to go forward in this journey, I'm going to have to accept that. As the old quote goes, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." (Oliver Goldsmith) Until this week I'd always thought of that quote in terms of when my falling was the result of something external, not internal. Now it has new meaning for me.
So I was back in class in Thursday morning and it turned out to be a good training session, all things considered. One thing I'm definitely noticing no matter how much I tell myself to stop it is that I'm still being too nice when I roll. Not to say I want to be mean, but that I need to be aggressive. Unless someone I'm rolling with is truly clueless or I happen to outweigh them by a hundred pounds (which happens), I shouldn't feel the need to take it easy on them. I'm a white belt - holding back isn't going to help anyone. I think, unless I'm actually intending to be mean, I probably don't have to worry about being seen as mean (especially once I start talking; I'm no stoner, but a lot of people seem to think I sound like one). I know there's been many times I could've looked at someone as being mean, but I didn't because I knew they were just trying to hone their skill. So why do I not apply the same standard to myself?
Anyways, that's enough ranting for the week. The most important thing I got out of this week was that I didn't let myself give up (yet again) because of one very bad training session, which for me I think marks some actual personal growth. Also, for anyone paying attention, you'll notice I didn't have a private lesson this week - that's because my instructor was out of town for the Pan Ams tournament (which I really hope to go to next year, despite my dislike of current IBJJF rules (a topic for another blog)). Quite a few people went down from my academy and it was awesome to be able to watch (via recordings) every one of them.