The End of an Era

 I know I've been horrible about keeping up with this blog. However, not counting a long COVID break, I haven't been horrible about keeping up with jiu jitsu. That being said, it is about time for this blog to come to an end. Not because I don't enjoy jiu jitsu anymore or because I don't enjoy writing about it (I really do! I just rarely get to it because once I'm home, I'm super lazy). But instead because a little while ago I was informed I will be getting my blue belt. Which has brought on a lot of thought and emotion and other things I do plan to write about soon, but for now, I just wanted to give a quick update that this blog will be coming to an end.

There will be a couple more posts before I actually get my blue belt (like the obligatory "Why are they giving this to me?" post) and I do plan to leave this blog up to remain the the ether of the internet so that something I once said can be used against me.

The Reason I Hate Going to Jiu Jitsu

This is my dog, Hamlet. If he looks like he's moping, that's because he is. I was getting ready to head out for jiu jitsu when I took this picture and he seems to have learned that when I'm wearing shorts and carrying a gym bag, I'm going somewhere I can't take him with me. Which sucks for the both of us, but these days jiu jitsu has to be a high priority for me and there's just no way I can communicate that with him.
I'm pretty sure Hamlet isn't a fan of me being gone for about ten hours a day for work (that's counting travel time), but it's definitely something he's gotten used to and we've developed a bit of a routine for it. But while I was going to work most days last year, I wasn't going to a lot of jiu jitsu (counting up all the classes I made it to and then spreading them out over there year, I made it to class about once every eight days). So I think my dog got used to me being around most evenings and now that I'm gone an average of three nights a week, it's all the lonelier at home for him.*
I know some people are reading this thinking something like, "But Paul, you've been inconsistently doing jiu jitsu for years - how is it suddenly different for your dog now?" That's because up until about a year and a half ago, I was romantically involved with someone and for a few years we lived together, so they were able to make sure Hamlet was well spoiled with attention during those occasions I was feeling serious about jiu jitsu. And even after things between her and I ended, she was often able to watch the dog for me. However, that situation has changed and it's now just me and Hamlet living it up in my ultimate(ish) bachelor pad.
So while there are a few things I dislike about going to jiu jitsu (mostly just traffic), I absolutely hate having to leave my dog home alone during those hours. Granted, I do try to make it up to him on the days I stay home (when possible - weather isn't always cooperative for getting outside), but that never feels like enough when he's giving me his sad eyes and I feel like he's trying to telepathically tell me to "skip class, just this once." But right now that just isn't an option.
However, this post isn't meant to be doom and gloom and just me whining about my jiu jitsu life; I do have a plan for fixing this. Next time I'm visiting a state that has the powerball or some other lottery where you can win millions, I'm going to win. And then one of the first things I'm going to do with that money is buy out some retail space near the gym I go to and turn it into a doggy day care that all gym members can use for free during class time. I know I'll be taking a loss on the day care, but I'm sure my other investments will make up for it.

*If you're one of those people that think pets can't feel loneliness (or any emotion really) or that it's really not a big deal for them and they'll get over it, then we probably can't be friends. I am one of those crazy hippies that think of pets as family (though I'm not such a crazy hippy that I'd choose a dog over a child if I only had time to save one in a burning building).

My First Real Injury. And a Lame One at That.

Despite not posting much over spring, I had actually been picking up and going to class on the regular (at least regular for me). And I was beginning to feel almost back to where I felt I once was on the mats. But then, on the evening of May 15th, in a moment in time I'll never likely forget, I broke two fingers. On my dominant hand.

People always ask how it happened, so I'll try to explain as best I can - I got swept with a sweep I didn't see coming and didn't have enough time to pull my hand back in to my chest. However, I had started the motion as soon as I felt the sweep coming (I'm not stranger to being swept and know get my hands in right away lest I have an arm just dangling out and ready to be attacked by whomever sweeps me), so as soon as I started going over, just my fingers were making contact with the mat. Not even all my fingers, mainly just my pinky and ring finger. Turns out those two fingers alone are not able to support both my weight and the weight of someone else, even if only for a brief second.

I heard them crack and deep down I knew something was wrong. Immediately they began swelling up. But like the idiot I can sometimes be, since I didn't feel any immediate pain, I kept rolling. Fortunately the roll only lasted about another minute and then class was over. I also tried to avoid making gi grips with that hand "just in case."

On the drive home I kept telling myself it was just a bad sprain and it wouldn't mean much time away from the mats. All the while I kept seeing a replaying video of the incident in my mind where I saw my fingers bend in a way they shouldn't. I would get home, ice it for a bit, and then just be careful with it for a couple weeks. I even told myself I could take a week off BJJ just to be safe, but no more than that as I finally felt I was getting my groove back and didn't want to lose it.

The next morning the swelling was much worse and I could barely move the fingers. I still wanted to believe it nothing more than a bad sprain, but I went to the doctor anyways. The doctor confirmed it was a bad sprain, but so bad it needed to be in a cast for a week and after that I should be good to go. Albeit he did say I should probably take an extra week away from jiu-jitsu just to be safe.

So a week goes by and I go back to have the cast removed. This time there's a different doctor working and he looks at the x-rays, says he wants new x-rays, and then tells me he believes its broken and I'll need to be in a cast at least another three weeks. My heart immediately sank. Not just because I knew I'd be missing that much jiu-jitsu and that I would likely miss all the more since short breaks tend to lead to long breaks for me, but because I knew it would be a huge inconvenience to my work and personal lives.
Having one week of not being able to go things normally merely felt like a big inconvenience, but to go another three weeks felt like pure torture. For a good while, I contemplated just quitting. No hobby is worth an injury that can so seriously affect my livelihood.

After the three weeks I went back and the doctor said the bones had healed, but it looked like there was ligament damage as I could still barely move my fingers. He told me to stay away from jiu-jitsu for another month, which at that point I felt fine with, and referred me to physical therapy.

At some point I decided I should go back and just give it a try using only my left hand, while bracing the right and tucking the arm in my belt. I tried this out a couple nights. I didn't really like it (though I hope to write about the experience in the future).

After nearly two months of regular physical therapy, I finally have most the use of my fingers back. They lack a lot of strength for gripping (and consequently I don't do much gi-gripping with my right hand) and aren't quite at full mobility, but there's enough there that the physical therapist agreed it would be good for me to give it a try again, though she wants me to buddy tape my fingers just to be safe. So I've been to a few classes so far since getting the OK and so far, so good. (At least as far as my fingers go, my back feels a new level of sore). Most the thoughts of quitting have left my head as well, though occasionally, like when I jam one of those fingers against something, I wonder if I could handle another injury like this and remain on the mats.

It's hard to believe such a stupid little injury could have such a big effect. It was just two messed up fingers, fingers I barely even think about really, and yet them not being usable (and also being in a cast) caused a lot of issues in my life. But I'm going to try not focusing on that; at this point the best thing is to move forward. And hopefully get my grips back.

The Risk in Not Taking Chances

I've developed a really bad habit in my jiu jitsu "career" (aside from my habit of horrible attendance): I rarely (and I mean very rarely) ever take chances on anything that I don't consider a sure thing. (It's also a bad habit I've developed in my life in general, but that's not really meant for this blog). What I mean by this is that I rarely go for submissions or sweeps unless I'm almost positive I'm going to get it. And I think there's actually two reasons for this.

Reason one is that I don't want to mess up and find myself in a bad position. Which is stupid cause doing nothing often leads to me ending up in a bad position just the same. Yet I find myself thinking I'd rather stall someone from passing my guard for as long as possible rather than attempt a technique that might have them passing my guard all the sooner. The result is I'm not learning what works and what doesn't work (for me) at a rate that I feel I should be.

Reason two is I'm somehow worried someone will be watching and I'll screw up horribly and look like an idiot. I'm a white belt; that's the best time to look like an idiot! I've never heard someone say something like, "Did you see that sloppy triangle that white belt attempted? Can't believe that noob even bothered showing up." Even if I've been a white belt for nearly eight years and I've got four stripes, I'm still at the stage where screwing up constantly is to be expected. This is the time to look stupid, not worry about it, and keep trying.

So my goal these days (besides just showing up) is to start taking more chances (in BJJ; life in general will have to wait). I know I'm going to screw up, I know I'm going to end up in bad positions, and I know I'm going to end up all the more sore for it; but this is the time for that. Because the last thing I want is to be a nearly nine year white belt with five stripes and still attempting sloppy triangles.

Back. Again. For Now.

I've heard a lot of people say the hardest thing in jiu jitsu is just showing up for that first class. I disagree. It's much harder going back after a long break, especially one in which you were just out being a tard; all sense of being healthy and all thoughts about BJJ forgotten. There's a huge sense of I-just-might-poop-myself-nervousness that comes with going back and knowing that you don't know what you know you should know. Thankfully (yet again), I did go back. And I did remember how to tie my belt. Though I noticed the tails on it seem to have gotten much shorter in my absence.
I made it to one class in that same week after my last entry. I made it to two classes the week after that. And I've made it to three classes this week (unfortunately, I won't be making any more as Fridays are no-gi days and I don't fit into any of my no-gi shorts at the moment. And Saturday I have plans to go hiking).
As it's been every other time, it feels good to be back. And it feels like crap, physically and mentally. Worse than the sore muscles trying to get re-used to being used is that nagging voice in my head telling me I wouldn't be going through this again if I'd only kept showing up. That being said, I'm doing my best to ignore the voice this time around. In the past, I'd always tried to use that voice as motivation to keep showing up. Obviously that hasn't worked out so well.
This time around I'm going to try and focus on taking things one day at a time. I still hope to make it to class more often than not, but I don't want to worry about how my week will go. If I can make it to class, I go. If I can't, I don't beat myself up about it. One of the worst habits I have is mentally berating myself for missing class and that tends to send me into a downward spiral where I eat like crap for the day and then feel like crap the next day, which causes me to miss class again and the cycle just goes on and on. And I really want to avoid that this time around.
So I'm going to do my best to take each day as it comes. At least for awhile.

It's Been Awhile. Yet Again.

Long story short, what was meant to be a two week break to rest up an injured elbow has turned into a two month break. And counting. Here's been my thought process so far over this break, at least to the best I can recall it.

Day 0: Wow, I feel like my elbow should hurt more than it does, but I'm pretty sure I'll be good for class tomorrow.
Day 1: Holy crap I can barely move my arm. I should probably give it a few days rest before going back to jiu jitsu.
Day 4: Well I've got like 80% range of motion back, but it still hurts a good bit when fully extended, maybe I'll need more than a few days. I'll wait until after Christmas to go back. But I won't wait until after New Years to go back; I know that trap.
Day 14: Well damn, it's almost New Years and even though I feel I have full use of my arm, it still feels a little sore when I wake up in the morning. So I may as well wait until after New Years. So much as I get a couple classes in before tournament training starts I should be good for the tournament training.
Day 21: Tournament training starts in just a few days and I've yet to be back on the mats. It's going to suck, but I'm just going to wait until tournament training starts to go back. After all, this will be my last weekend being able to live like a glutton for awhile and I don't want to pass that up.
Day 25: Tournament training has started, but I just don't feel good enough to go yet. And with my work schedule changing soon, I won't be able to make most the training classes anyways. May as well wait until my new work schedule changes and then I can go to the morning classes; always kind of preferred them anyways. Also, this gives me another week to get work on my diet - definitely don't want to go to class as sluggish as I've been feeling.
Day 47: Who am I kidding, I'm not going to do the tournament. Some days I wonder if I even want to go back after another long break. Not to mention there's a definite fear now of a real injury; I'm too old for that shit. I sure do miss the people though. Most of them anyways.
Day 61: Two months to the day. I've never been so out of shape. I would probably have a heart attack if I went back. Still can't even say I one hundrent percent want to go back. But I certainly can't keep living like this.
Day 73: I keep having dreams about jiu jitsu. It's annoying. Mainly because in my dreams I keep trying to do techniques I know I should know, but I'm still unable to do them. It's only a matter of time before I dream I can't even tie my belt anymore.

So maybe I shouldn't call this a break, being I haven't made any definite decision to return. However, I hate how out of shape I've become. I could swear at times I can feel my waist line growing and even if that's only in my head, it's a horrible feeling. And if I'm going to do something to counter that, jiu jitsu is far more interesting/exciting for me than any other gym workout I've done, seen, or even heard about.

The Worst Excuse

Classes Attended: 2 Regular

There's a couple of schools of thought when it comes to learning/teaching BJJ. One school, often referred to as the old school, thinks the focus of BJJ should (almost exclusively) be self-defense. Meanwhile, the new school is more about the sport of jiu-jitsu and often trains in techniques that would work great in a tournament setting, but would also likely get you your ass handed to you if you tried to use them in a street fight. Both schools of thought have arguments as to why they're the true way of BJJ now and blah blah blah. I believe you should train what you enjoy or else learn to enjoy your misery.
The gym I go to is new school oriented. And it's what I enjoy. I have a hard time seeing myself in a street fight and even if that somehow became the case, there's still a lot of "sport" jiu-jitsu that is completely viable for use in such situations. Also, as much as I hate to say it, most people that go out wanting to start fights these days do so in groups and/or intending to use dirty tactics,* so no matter what techniques I know, I will more than likely at some point end up just trying to protect myself from permanent damage and praying for everything to end. So the idea of training jiu-jitsu for self-defense just isn't that appealing to me.
However, every few weeks or so the gym I go to spends a week focusing solely on self-defense techniques. And for the most part, I think it's a good thing to do. Even if we never intend to get into fights, it's best to have the knowledge and not need it than to need it and not have it. It also serves as a sort of reminder to the roots of BJJ - even if we spend most of our time now training to win tournaments, it's good to see the reason the sport developed in the first place.
That being said, it's virtually impossible for me to be excited about self-defense weeks. Even knowing that much of what we learn can be applied to sport jiu-jitsu, I can't bring myself to want to show up to class so I can learn how to defend myself. And so last week I only made it to a couple classes.
Not being excited to go is the absolute worst reason to not go. Worse than being nervous, worse than being tired, and even worse than that feeling you might have to poop in the middle of class. Yet I let it be my reason not to go as often as I should have last week.
I guess on the plus side I still made it to a couple classes. Just a couple months ago I would've easily skipped the whole week (and then possibly more). But allowing myself to skip classes just because I'm not excited for what's being taught can only lead back to bad habits that I hope to never fall into again.